Elysium
In a few days from now it will be the one year anniversary of my father’s death. As strange as it may sound, I don’t think it has hit me yet. I’ve been so busy with the hustle and bustle of life – getting a job and a subsequent raise + promotion, working on relationships with people who still surround me, chasing dreams and generally griping about everyday things, that I don’t feel like I’ve had time enough to process his loss completely. We weren’t particularly close, but I can’t help but feel that his passing has changed me at some subconscious level, in a way that even I’m not quite aware of yet. A small part of me dreads the day I realize just how profound an effect it actually has had on me.I sometimes wonder if having lost more people in a span of 5 years than most people I know, hasn’t made me a tad immune to the immensity of loss. I don’t even know if ‘immune’ is the right word. This coupled with my experience of working first in a cancer hospital and then a hospice (a place I loved more than I can explain to anybody) seems to have, at some level, dulled my sensibilities when it comes to dealing with death as a phenomenon.
I’ve been asked by people who care about me, whether working at this hospice was actually good for me.. I don’t know how to answer that. I can understand how many people would find being around people on the brink of death disturbing, to say the least. But to put it simply, and in all honesty, it has been the most life-affirming experience I have ever had. It’s nothing short of amazing, how people transform once they know that death is at hand. It’s almost as though with the realization that they’re aren’t as invincible as they thought, people begin to shed all the unnecessary layers they had collected and shrouded themselves in, in a bid to protect themselves from each other. I guess in a way they understand that there is really nothing to protect or nothing that needs this kind of protection.
I don’t mean to go off on a philosophical tangent, but I guess it’s something I need to get my mind around as well.
I happened to speak with the Managing Trustee of this hospice. Since I got my master’s degree, all I’ve really truly wanted to do is to go back there and work in the field of palliative care. Unfortunately, with the kind of system we have in place, it’s close to impossible to do that kind of work, in the capacity of a therapist, and earn enough to support yourself. At the age of 25, it’s kinda hard to follow your dream, when pursuing that dream means having your family support you. To cut a long story short, I figured I’d take on a corporate job (which I did!), save enough money to fund myself through a specialized programme in palliative care and get back to it in time.
However....
I was told the field hasn’t evolved enough in India to allow me to do what I’d like to as a full-time career. That I’d have to wait a few years before a system is in place that will recognize the role of therapists in this arena. And - this is the zinger – that maybe I’m too ‘young’ and I should probably pursue a more lucrative career and think about working in a hospice when I’m settled and have time on my hands for this kind of work. In other words, when I have nothing better to do.
So, I’m a bit confused. It’s not an ‘evolved’ field??? Don’t people die all the time? What constitutes evolution when it comes to death? And why is death something to tip toe around? In my experience, having been on the side that has lost someone, as well as on the side that reaches out to dying people and the families that survive them, I have yet to come across even one person who doesn’t appreciate some basic human compassion, whether it comes in the form of conventional therapy or even in something as tiny as having your hand held at a time of grief. What the hell is this ‘we haven’t evolved to that level’ business??
As a society, we’re so consumed in the day to day nitty gritties of living and achieving stuff that we overlook how fragile it all really is. We deny death, we don’t talk about it, we don’t like to be around people who do. But at the end of the day, it’s the presence of death that actually defines life and makes it so much more amazing.
I miss my father. I feel bad that we didn’t get any sort of ‘closure’ (for lack of another word), and I miss all the people I loved who have gone before him. But at the end of it all, their passing just serves as a reminder of what still remains and how much potential there is in what’s left.
‘Quiet the mind
Be still
And watch the breath of God
Rise and fall
In all things.
Allow his breath
To be your breath;
Allow his nature
To be your nature.
…Intend to be Love
And know death for what it is:
The Inbreath of God.’
- from the adaptation of the Tao Te Ching, by Haven Trevino.
Be still
And watch the breath of God
Rise and fall
In all things.
Allow his breath
To be your breath;
Allow his nature
To be your nature.
…Intend to be Love
And know death for what it is:
The Inbreath of God.’
- from the adaptation of the Tao Te Ching, by Haven Trevino.
posted by Bananarana @ 6:25 AM
12 Comments:
Have you ever seen It's a Wonderful Life? Old movie with Jimmy Stewart and Donna Reed. Basically it shows the impact that you have on the people around you. I love it. I have the movie poster framed in my bathroom.
The US has a wonderful hospice system in place. Ever think about working abroad?
I'm sorry to hear about your loss. I don't know you but after reading this post I can't imagine that your dad isn't proud of you.
superbly written, me banana. indeed, one of the markers of a civilised society is how much it cares. and for all india's vaunted ancient roots, we don't give a fug about jack. or subramaniam. looks at the US - bullying bastards politically, but look how much they fuss over each war death. while india can have its young soldiers tortured, mutilated, killed and handed back by pakistan after a war, and what do we do? ze-fuckin-ro. i agree with mint chutney, try to go abroad, practise, learn, yes make money, and then come back to the motherand when she is good and ready for it. much love x
A touching, thought provoking read Rana. I will stop with that because otherwise I will never stop! :) Peace, babe.
xx
the universe will show u how bug...
just keep askin her...
and listen.
Just came here for the first time and found this post very touching. You are much braver and stronger than I think I could be and I agree with Mint that your dad would surely be proud of you.
Read some of your other posts too. A Lawrencian with roots in Rajasthan - sounds like me!
wow Banana, that was lovely. think i know what you mean by "immune to the immensity of loss"...haven't shed a tear post my uncle's passing away last week... got so caught up with the arrangements that i probably "forgot" to grieve...
PS - you have a Passport now... fly away Lingu!
Mint:
I haven't seen the movie, but it's definitely on my list now.:)
I have considered working abroad, but here's the thing - I might sound a little too idealistic when I say this, but I think more people should start making things happen HERE. And another thing is that even after years of experience abroad it's very hard to implement similar systems here for the simple reason that the general psyche here is wired differently. But it's definitey worth a shot. Thank you. Hug*
Sac:I couldn't agree more with you. Makes me so angry sometimes.. But I guess anger never got anyone anywhere.
Wishful:
Feel free to ramble. :)
Anonymous:
Thank you :)
Rohini:
Visit again :)
Tart:
Working on it babe. Working on it :)
whoa! what a post.
stumbled on this while ego-surfing :-D
you have my blog linked!!! that's never happened before. sniff sniff
hmmm...
grief-immunity.. splendid survival kit ... I am sorry about your dad. I didnt know...
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